They have the same morals that the average person has. I even mentioned therapy but it went nowhere. If youre relatively normal enough : ) imagine your stronger emotions always dialled- up x 5!! A more evolved perspectives say that that to ascribe intentionality to these behaviors gives the person too much credit. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. Jasmine: You have no idea who I am. Is this really them just being an asshole to you? Ive had so many problems turned around and falsly placed on me its not even funny, and when you havent reached a point to where your a little keen as to whats going on you actually think some of it may be your fault. I observe, like all pathologicals, *they are primarily guided by EXTREME self-interest* but this is dressed -up in their own particular way. Lisa can be manipulative, [exhibits] black and white thinking and self-harm. Something I am not sure someone like her is capable of without serious help. in fact, I did not become full bpd until age 26 when I had to give up my autistic children. Because he has stuck by me, I respect him more than anyone I have ever been with before. Thank you for your article. I am also a nice guy that normally puts other before myself but she takes my best qualities and stretches them beyond their limits. I wad the one who stayed faithful and steady. Paranoid Thoughts: Paranoia Everyone has negative thoughts, but paranoia is dwelling in negativity for most of your days. Rather, these instances that seem like manipulations are desperate attempts to get what they need to feel good, to escape psychological pain. Ernie, although this comment seems to be in response to Shawn, I wanted to let you know that there are options for people whose partners have traits of BPD which are not severe enough to quality for diagnosis. Your writing taste has been amazed me. The con is that particular girl not everyone with bpd, I struggle with some of the typical BPD traits (as I really think so many women and men do in some ways) and have a history of many 2-3 year relationships with nice guys. Im now dating a nice guy who has strong boundaries and a strong sense of self, while also being informed, caring, firm, kind, understanding and consistent. He doesnt allow himself to get entangled in my stuff because he has the confidence to know that its my stuff and not his. 25 years later l filed for divorce due to her abuse and refusal to get help for her BPD. Then she may notice that once youre gone she is feeling very warm towards you. !! Is it possible to be friends with her or women like her? I had stumbled across the Hot Crazy Matrix (HCM) YouTube video and was struck by its popularity and media coverage it had attracted. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! The Nicola method and other similar techniques do work to lessen the conflict and pain. (the first time after my saying we should sort this amicably) . This website uses cookies. Couldnt answer a simple question like yes or no. I guess already going through a break up with this person desensitized me to the aftermath. Thank you so much for giving me insight into this. Instead they vacillate between idealizing and devaluing others. Baylie) by Bold Beautiful Borderline instantly on your tablet, phone or browser - no downloads needed. I dont know if he will take me back this time I doubt it. Borderline Personality Disorder in Women. Your insight will definitely will help those read it. The likelihoods of falling for a emotionally immature woman may be decreased significantly though. Of course, if you see what problems you have, and if your partner truly understands how you work and when to leave it alone. I started working with Rose in 2021 through the groups she offers. If you would like to hear more then would be nice to talk. Most women who are diagnosed with BPD want to change in order to be able to live their everyday life without debilitating pain. Some viewers have associated this period of time with the BPD symptom of dissociation, which is a mental experience that causes a person to disconnect from their present circumstances, thoughts, memory and identity. So there can be some awareness of the moral consequences of her decisions, but she doesnt take them seriously. So no Sarah, the real issue is with mentally ill sociopaths whose primary preoccupation is satisfying THEIR needs exclusively, to hell with who they hurt in the process. Not because she is wrong, but because the disorder can make you feel very sensitive to hard truths. Her defenses will kick in and she will have to revert to her negative perspective of you in order to feel safe from betrayal or being taken advantage of. She was very irrational. This personality type truly enjoys giving and often find they need nothing more in return than a feeling of being appreciated. This is a guarantee that she will not be able to find in the average partner. I suspect that describes you quite well. Overview Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. So what have you done? Advice from Harvard Health Publishing and 3 experts: What factors I dont know why I was coming back to her, and missed her, and felt guilty. These fearful feelings are intensified by the emotional dysregulation often associated with the disorder. Well, you have done what very few men have been able to do. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. Girl, Interrupted, though one of the more well-known books or movies about mental illness, is certainly not the only popular representation of mental illness out there, but it has, maybe more so than others, resonated deeply with young women. CPTSD, EUPD, & Borderline Personality Disorder recovery work is often painful and difficult. To look beautiful for your girl (insisting I go to gym) She even said its all my fault etc. You will either find your way out of the drama one way or the other. We started texting for approximately 3 months until we finally met for coffee and started seeing each other again for 8 months until it ended 2 weeks agoand again, it was right out of the blue. Unfortunately, nice-guy types such as yourself will always be vulnerable to women with traits of BPD. What You Need to Know When Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Terms. I dont even want to be married to you. I would recommend you go forward with your plan exactly as you stated it. Selling a house can be detrimental when equity is low. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships. Ive seen 4 counselors in that time and continued to hope that things would get better. She had a bad rship before me too. If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need. The actual requests in question, such as that particular pair of shoes or the milk were not relevant. So fed up of people like you demonising us when you havent got a clue. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round. Just as those who learn physical self defense become less likely to be singled out, those who know emotional self-defense techniques will also seem less attractive to this type of woman. He is in a good home at present and his needs are met, so I think he is fearful of being put back into the situation. During this time I was forced to have her admitted again as she was aiming to attempt suicide again. Now, please excuse the somewhat convoluted text coming below, but im sure it serves as a good example of the madness of BPD interaction! We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. Yes, I do have bpd, however I can say with 100% honesty that I am not selfish in the least in my relationship. I agreed to get back together in hopes she changed. As I began to develop an adult body, boys increasingly sought out my company. She Took everything as a pressure or like a attack whenever I asked something so minimal. During her stay, Kaysenbefriends otherwomen struggling with mental health issues,most notablyLisa Rowe (Angelina Jolie). As time went on in the first few months, I would get love bombed like crazy. It will eventually become: A tool to barter with / something to berate you over (when her drive is no longer driven crazy by idealisation) and even something to dislike you for (as they can often suddenly experience shame / guilt for SO many different reasons it can be dizzying!). Mostly Susannas thought patterns and mood showed BPD well, but it was subtle. They desperately seek out others to make them feel whole. These intense feelings increase the probability of impulsive behavior, which is often expressed as promiscuity. And how much you decide to take from them is factored by your degree of natural co- dependency. Im aware that some people truly wont know what to do with me were we to enter an emotional relationship beyond friendship. But If distant my self abit then she would question that abit so I just couldnt win atal. When we dont, our relationship partners experience our selfish actions as a mild form of betrayal of our relationship agreement. Women with BPD attract narcissistic men. Things are crazy on circular basis from October to January every year a living hell of moods, arguments. I have fixed it up, and have so much money tied into it, I could lose my retirement if this keeps happening. Also, do not look to the neighbors grass to see whether it is more greener than yours, instead, look at your own evolution over say 5 years time: are you more wiser? She went on to tell me how wonderful I was about all of it the next day. It really tired me out. She would rarely if ever take responsibility for what she did and/or said. We met nearly five months ago. I let her vent and cry. You can do this by asking general questions, such as: Or you can do this indirectly by making inferences from vocal tone, body posture, and context, such as waking someone from sleep. Is that the measure of a man?? So please do continue the conversation, but remember that it is always best to be well informed, caring, firm, kind, understanding and consistent. Though it accurately portrayedthe reality ofliving with BPD, the movie has often beencriticized forits too good to be true ending. While the movie is humanizing in many respects,some have argued that it goes too far, romanticizing mental illness and equatingit with being cool but misunderstood. In apost on The Radical Notion, a clinical social worker wrote. Also smoke canabis but its a secret and I eventually found out of which she just denies even though I had proof and yet she still denies. I take a bath, drink green tea and listen to my favorite music. As parents you are in a unique position to be able to help your daughter. People who[struggle]with BPD have a tendency to fall quickly for people that show them even the slightest amount of attention and I think this movie hits the nail on the head. BPD is not a life sentence, and how much therapy someone needs is case dependent. One is that they will lose interest in the relationship which will often happen with men who have solid boundaries and refuse to leap into love with them. With this understanding of what makes the woman with traits of BPD engage in these destructive behavior patterns, lets now turn to the question of why so many men stay even when its clear that the woman they are with is not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. I only recommend these techniques when there is a long-term relationship or children involved or a financial crisis upon divorce. Your not worth the financial convienience She is a self described loaner who up until about a year ago didnt really have friends (she has one now). Or is it best just to let her go completely? But whether or not Clem was written with this specifc diagnosis in mind, many with BPD relate to her. I put myself in my exs shoes through our entire relationship. The intensity of the intimacy felt during passion with her husband induced fears of abandonment, which prompted her to wake Brett and confront him. mental disorder or medical condition (e.g., head injury). We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. He also has worked hard in his life, through therapy, relationships, and his career, to develop extraordinary communication, interpersonal, and relationship skills. Thanks Joanna Im struggling with the idea it may have been me cause my replacement is a nice guy type and their still together after 16 months..she jumped from me to the cheater to him in 4 weeks granted he is wealthier than me and it could be just the $$ since she wanted a free ride from me. That the author is here only to help the victims of us woman with BPD. The hardest part is accepting that the good times were likely predicated on her narcissistic tendency for prevarication and the bad times were a result of her need to back peddle and distance herself from the very arrangement she insisted on unconditional love and acceptance. I truly love this woman and care about her deeply but it will always be a difficult relationship and I will never be at peace during it. These articles are not helpful for people who are trying to recover. She is so insecure and so emotionally underdeveloped, she requires a lot of empathy but at the same time tough love. What i do not realize is in fact how you are now not really much more well-liked than you may be now. These men tend to care so deeply about their connections that they do not need to struggle in the way the average person does to keep others needs in mind. The spousal relationship is perhaps the most intimate of all. Im glad to hear you are doing better with it these days. Matthew Busch photographed a woman living with borderline personality disorder. Thanks, really wonderful post. Personally im kind of surprised that no one commented about being a bit offended by this article. Herthought process begins to spiral and she ends up stalking this person. Please help!! Thats a very tough diagnosis, but hopefully you know that there is very effective treatment available now for people with borderline personality disorder which will allow you to be able to be in relationships without fear that you might hurt the person you are with. From Borderline to Beautiful Podcast tackles tough topics and provides information and insight into borderline personality disorder. In the movie when Alice wins the lottery, she stops taking her medication which is supposed to explain some of her erratic behavior. The central conflict arises from the existence of a procedure that can erase memories a procedure Clementine undergoes to forget about Joel. His desire to please others and find acceptance pushes him to game jump, break countless laws and ultimately put his life in danger. Thanks again for sharing such a detailed portrayal of the high conflict woman! There was a time during this period where I denied her of something and got offended by how mean she reacted. My husband of 11 years has had it with me and wants out. I recently broke up with my fiance as I could not handle the double standards and constant abuse. You are speaking about this is very general and negative terms, and honestly I wonder what the nature of your experience is with bpd. Borderline Personality Disorder is a chronic and complex mental health disorder marked by instability, and interpersonal relationships are often the stage on which this instability plays out. The Hot Crazy Matrix basically asks whether the same could be said for men being attracted to crazy women. The reason for the popularity of the HCM is because we have ourselves or known someone who has been in a turbulent relationship with someone who was emotionally unstable, and have been warned off of them by despairing friends and family who cannot understand why anyone would stay in the relationship, Blanchard said. 1. Can somebody give me honest opinion was this really my fault? It is very difficult for women anywhere on the spectrum of BPD to recognize the difference between being supportive of ones spouses long-term goals and dreams and supporting any impulse or momentary urge they may have. The following post contains spoilers for the movies mentioned. Living with borderline personality disorder | CNN This leaves their partner in a very difficult situation. My experience is that labels can become scapegoats to excuse bad behavior, and Rose helps to breakdown that mindset. She is 30 but had a hard time of it for many years. things like that which were very frustrating for me. How do we begin our communication or change it to avoid more conflict & pain? Darth Vader) as an example. So I took what she said with a grain of salt and just waited to see if she really meant it. The movie explores themes of divorce, drugs, sex andmental health, characteristic of the generation at the time. Remember to spread the word that BPD/CPTSD/EUPD are all disorders that hurt, though that we can recover from with tenacity, patient endurance, and hard work! Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist who treats patients with BPD, explains: People with borderline feel empty, and they are always trying to . It has been the most traumatic and awful experience of my life. Nice-guy types are often convinced that the world is filled with people who love to give without expecting anything in return. I am presently reading Loving someone with BPD and I have read Walking on Eggshells. For a 24-hour crisis . There, youll also find thoughts and questions by our community. Women are more discerning when choosing a partner, likely because an unreliable partner would have adverse outcomes for her and her child. I had never noticed this sort of extreme emotionality before the marriage, in fact she was rather a meek & mild depressive. To which I agreed that we cant get too serious too quickly. Throughout the majority of the movie, she pines for him, slipping into a deep depression. This article describes in perfect detail a five month long relationship I had with a girl with BPD last year. They usually do not despise everyone around them. From Borderline to Beautiful: Hope & Help for BPD with Rose - Apple My mother tried to calm her down. A woman hitting a man rarely causes a domestic violence report. Does your spouse often go very quickly from one emotion to another? However, the intimacy which feels so comforting to a healthy person will be terrifying for her. Its like men and women arent involved unless it is one thing to do with Woman gaga! Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. We often argued about things like once i bought wrong shopping and she would shout and scream at me for really irrational things when I came home 30min later then planed for a diner whilst coming home from work etc. Why not keep it on a freinds with benefits basis so no one gets hurt or feels conned? I honestly cry every time I watch this movie because I feel so validated. It would certainly make a happy ending to tell a man recovering from a breakup with a woman with traits of BPD to be wiser in the future about his relationships. This statement would have been a subconscious tactic to get you to trust her. Although the nice-guy/borderline union in theory should work, in reality it is guaranteed to fail. Id be interested on what Nicola makes of the above from an objective point of view. Some of the effects are job loss, financial strains, poor performance in work, social isolation, underestimating self, trouble to sustain relationship . Its a lot to handle. Can this work? I didnt really didnt know anything about BPD until about a year or so ago. Either way, without an ironclad guarantee that she cannot be hurt, she will be unwilling to trust him again. An onslaught of disrespectful raging,verbal abuse and fabricated accusations about our insensitivity to her needs left us speechless . There was no empathy,no remorse,no emotions displayed when she admitted to cheating or when I asked why she posted pics so soon after her admission when clearly she knew I was devestated she just,didnt care about me. Part of the recovery process from a breakup with a women who has traits of BPD is to recognize that these assets are valuable and should not be offered to those who are not equipped to give them back in return. Baylie shares her own personal story with borderline personality disorder, substance use, love addiction, and the importance of addressing her trauma through treatment in addition to sharing about the. Schedule a mindset coaching session today here: https://www.skeetersstrength.com/product/individual-sessions/ Get your gear here: https://thrive-merchandise.creator-spring.com/? Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! You quickly work out its ALL about them! Why is this?? A truly great, incisive post by JT (mirrors SO much of my ex- BPD waif its scary). The ability to experience physical love with another individual is compromised when sex is used as an instrument of power. In an interview with CBS in 2013, the actress said, I was in Fatal Attraction and that played into the stigma. Anyway my questions are- She prob did like the gifts but struggles to show appreciation. You will find sometimes they are very loving, other times they are looking at your every action thinking it will mean more than it really does. It causes a person's moods, relationships, self-image, and behavior to be unstable from one day to the next. Individuals with BPD are often misunderstood and misdiagnosed. He loves me dearly and I love him. Thank you again. Living with intense or uncontrollable anger. The research was inspired by a viral parody video, in which a man provides scientific-sounding advice about the relationship between a womans physical appearance, personality, and her dating appeal. Personality disorders in general, and borderline personality in particular, have been blamed on everything from brain malfunction and inadequate upbringing to social and cultural conditions. We love her dearly and feel great pain from the distance she has imposed on us for the past year finally resulting in no contact over the past two months. She would I believe project how she feels as a person on to me and Im one of the most genuine nice guys about really. I suggested he go to counseling as well to figure things out. You just summed up my 19 year marriage ending in divorce with my abusive BPD ex wife who cheated multiple times on me. Granted we were both busy but its no excuse. Its certainly led to the eldest having low esteem and confidence despite him being academically very bright and a very thoughtful boy. Thanks Joanna. I hope more people read your site and I am recommending it to my dear friends. These are tough times for a nice guy to be in romantic relationship. JT, youre exactly right. Yeah, I didnt do everything right for sure, nobody does, but I deserved so much better. Because you live with BPD., Im recently diagnosed bpd.. She pursued me for 2years wanting to be with me etc. Thanks for the advice. Withrecommendations from ourBPDcommunity, weanalyzed the below movies to see how they portrayedsymptoms of borderline personality disorder. For this reason it can be very healing to read the stories of other men who have broken up with women who have these traits. Through the romanticization of it, mental illness is minimized and beautified and almost turned into something that is cool and desirable as opposed to a painful struggle. Maybe that is why she stayed in this previous relationship. Privacy Many nice-guy types are willing to accept these flaws. I work full time. She does it in different ways. When we would go out for dinner ect she would try to force me to drink and get upset if I didnt.