A lot of men will also try to control the money of their wife or use a woman financially because they cant deal with the fact that a woman is more financially stable than they are. took some money outta ma savings to help him buy a car. It should not be that she should just accept this if it makes her very uncomfortable and resentful. I always buy him little gifts that he might want or need, and I've mentioned I'd love little gifts too. My Husband is a Disappointing Father (11 Bad Dad Behaviors and How to Counter Them), 13 Signs Your Husband Is Using You Financially, 3. At first it felt like something good to do for the benefit of our relationship, but after a while I realized my partner was treating me like his private bank. So whatever they had/have is practically nothing. $50K of debt is possible to resolve when he finds a better job that can increase his earnings and allow him to aggro-bust through that debt. They are from another country that the exchange rate is horrible. As harsh as this sounds you have to face facts here. She has two jobs (technically), but one is just helping out a family friend water plants at various business offices (so pay isn't that great or stable) and the second job is a part time retail gig (she gets 20 hours MAX if lucky a week)she will complain she has no money and then give away like 10 hours worth of shifts at her retail job because her "back hurts". In my case, I'm not willing to loan my brother money. Here's What To Expect. While it has revolutionized communication and allowed people to connect with each other in unprecedented ways, it has also had a significant impact on body image. Do they know about you? We tend to forget that we are all individuals on a life journey who choose to walk together, and being in a relationship doesnt change that. Its not just about financial security, its also about showing that someone is willing to get up every day and do what it takes to take care of themselves and work towards a higher goal.. He doesnt see it this way. by Jessica Blake Oct 11, 2019. He needs to know how you feel. What does he truly see happening with his parents, with his debt, with finances if these are shared between the two of you in marriage. Ask friends and family for donations to this account while noting you will pay them back once you are on your feet. I'm not thrilled, but I'd rather live at home with him, than rent and waste money we could have used for a house. These skills are not only about self-sufficiency (and a dislike of smells and critters), but show that one is interested in enjoying life and not too lazy to go beyond the basics. I wouldnt want him to stop supporting them if they need the help. I chalk these things up to being the side effects of a full life. He may be unsure as to how to reach out to new friends. He's making it clear that he thinks that not only he should support his mother, but your salary should go to supporting her as well (i.e., you need to compensate and fill the gap for any money he shills out on his mother). Well, let's just say they likely aren't getting many accolades on the other side, either. DISCLAIMER: Financial Samurai exists to thought provoke and learn from the community. Favoring one child financially disrupts the family balance. His income is barely covers his outflow. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Btw both him and his sibling have been supporting themselves after graduating high school! Most men and women have savings accounts, simply because its always useful to have a pot of money set aside in case financial issues occur or theres an emergency at some point in life. Answer (1 of 60): Absolutely and unequivocally no, you should not help your new boyfriend financially. It also highlights his self-esteem. Its very heartbreaking, I love him dearly but really cant understand his decision to provide for his parents at the expense of living like this in his prime time. No one should be doing all of the work, you have to have a happy medium. Aug 14, 2012, 03:21 PM. Youve got to make sure that the relationship is solid and can handle the conflict no matter what, she says. My BF was going through a rough patch so I was there to help him financially. If you notice that your spouse is always taking from your joint account, to fulfill their spending habits, and theyre never adding any money, they could be using you and draining the account. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. The problem here is layered. He will ask you a lot of financial favors. One that accepts you too quickly is also a big no-no. Age gaps in relationships have become more prevalent over the years, and society is becoming more accepting of such relationships. And scrapbooking is expensive! On paying for things at the end of the month, gifts I mentioned to make his life easier, and small other things. Everybody has some kind of situation, and the world is not ideal. .You are not going to like my reply but this is hardly a surprise. If hes getting up early, networking and pounding the pavement, he deserves your full support. Subscribe to our free Business by the Bay newsletter. When we first met . Send your tricky money questions to AskPenny@thepennyhoarder.com. His business partner went bankrupt and he couldnt afford to move forward alone which left him in his current situation. The Laundry/Love Equation:OK, so lets be real: anyone with long workdays and a busy social life knows that take-out numbers are called and tube socks occasionally find a home on the floor. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. His parents dont have any other source of income at least for next 3 years or so until they become citizens and qualify for some sort of social assistance. Recently the situation has changed. Sexless Marriage Effect on a Husband: What Is It and What Can You Do? His response was his parents will be able to use social assistance. . I am new to this site and feel like I have no where else to turn/seek advise! Receive weekly tips & tricks to improve your love life. So, if your partner gets annoyed or makes you feel guilty when you spend money on yourself, its really because they wanted to spend that money and enjoy it themselves. When youre getting married, you will most likely commit to being financially tied, meaning you will probably have a joint bank account. I have a good income, own two properties (live in one and rented the other) and not a bad savings. Much of this depends upon his emotional maturity and willingness to cooperate and work on it together. It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me? In this video from OWN, Iyanla talks to a husband who adheres to the "family comes first" philosophy and prioritizes his relatives over his wife: If you are in the same situation where your spouse believes that family comes first and forgets his responsibility as a husband, the first step is to pray. Studying the vast and complicated world of relationships entices me, and I am constantly striving to learn more, so I can then help others with more knowledge and experience. But aside from the obvious traits one should avoid in a mate: aggression (passive or outright), disrespect, a lack of manners, empathy and/or intelligence, there are those red flags that look a softer shade of pink behind rose-colored glasses. Location: Napa - wine country. The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness. His mother is always going to be in the picture and is very financially reliant on him like she is his wife. By now, (I hope) you know that if a man freaks out on the waiter, hes likely going to do the same to you, and those men who hate all of their exes? The blood is thicker than water approach is going to get in the way of your long-term love, warns Estes. Sadly i think there is nothing much you can do here other than set specific dates, as in you intend to move out on date X and he can make his decision then whether he is going to live independently from him mother then and come with you or whether he is going to continue on this same path. He told me that when he decided to support his parents he was single and if he gets involve with someone hell asked the other sibling to chip in, but recently when we had the talk he told me that his sibling is not willing to contribute now since they have kids, mortgage etc and cant afford. People at any age can learn better money management, to not indulge themselves with treats like a child and then not pay bills. In about half (49%) of couples in which the husband and wife are both at least 25 years old . There are so many people out there who look like walking disasters financially but that is because they have not been able or called (!) Mom will be around for the next maybe 30-40 years of their marriage living with them. Started Tuesday at 03:06 AM, By Now we are renting a small house together. It just happened that when one of us was single the other one was not. After reading this article you will now be aware of the signs to look out for if your husband is using you financially. He also has student debt. Financial insecurity is also one of the top reasons women return to an abusive partner. When Its Workable:If he just doesnt know how to clean the toilet or chop an onion, but is open to learning, feel free to move past go. My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. He's putting money towards your family goals (10K saved ain't nuthin') and also using money to support his family. Can you share your experience with me please? Its about two people creating a home that feels like their own personal sanctuary, says Estes. However, age gap relationships are not without challenges. Imagine a dude cutting his wrist every morning to feed his dog. 1. His mom has even recently had a heart-to-heart with me and said "I know I have not been trying as hard as I could to get another job or make more money, and it's time for mommy to stand on her own to feet so her son can grow up and start a life with you. If he needs to work two jobs to pay his parents bills while hes still living with them, he certainly cant afford the expenses of a second household. You can't meddle in his financial affairs at this time. And when the business went down, he lost his savings and left with a debt which he can only manage to pay minimum payment. If youre tired of collecting frequent flyer miles to the purgatory between stay and go, youre in luck. I think he should find them a nice but more affordable apartment in a less expensive area, and continue his conversation with them about how they can contribute more, as this has been going on for a few years. Example 1: Sam recently lost their job, so they moved in with their friend Chris until they could get back on their feet. If he refuses to do his part, always puts it off until tomorrow, or worse, thinks that only ladies do laundry, pack up and go. I think it's a very real possibility that situation quickly becomes an expectation. This man is not a good marriage candidate and I suspect he would probably drag out the dating process and sabatoge his realtionship with you to avoid changing the situation. In most relationships, especially in marriages, both partners give and take when it comes to finances and the financial burden is never put onto one person. Read this: I Hacked Into A Cam Girls Computer And What I Found Truly Terrified Me, The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know SoFar, The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever ToldYou. When Its Workable:Its a good sign when your guy can set boundaries and is open to having conversations about your feelings while making you feel like a priority, says Estes. It's ok for her to suck all of his money that is supposed to be saved for OUR future, but the second he sees I don't have as much saved as I had planned previously (still have a good amount) he is very mean and yells at me? I am not saying to comfort him. However, if your spouse is innocently leaning on you financially, they wont spend your money recklessly. WOAH - totally inaccurrate..and totally NOT the type of response I should be hearing from a guy I am considering committing the REST OF MY LIFE TO! Read this: 5 Phrases Every Smart Woman Needs In Her Vocabulary, STAT! Being able to show not only my passion for writing, but also my passion to help others in their relationships, means the absolute world to me and I hope to continue doing so. Your boyfriends life is on hold as long as he allows this arrangement to continue. If he dismisses your feelings, consider it a sign that he's not up to being the partner you need. The long-standing issue #1, however, is his parents' total reliance on him. He has a good career and could have makeup for his financial difficulties if he did NOT have to support them. Problem is, his family are always asking for money, and no matter how much it is, he will give, even if he / we can't afford it. In a healthy relationship, your partner should never begrudge you for spending your own money, unless youre being reckless with it. But I financially support my partner, and I feel extremely judged as a result. You 2 are young able bodied kids just starting your careers. When we started dating I asked him why his sibling doesnt contribute for the parents cost of living. It is ridiculous of him to accuse you of not saving money while he hands huge wads to his mother. So you need to sit him down and have a very real talk about money. He took care of his rent, and I was living at home ( also a reason I have more money). He pays $600 in rent per month (bc he makes the most $), I pay $300 (varies though, sometimes as high as $500 if his mom can't pay) and she pays whatever she can afford (which is ALWAYS less than what I pay, a great deal less). This signals that he may not see you as an equal. Times are hard but a man gotta be a man at all times. TOPE OMOGBOLAGUN writes about the challenges of having a spouse who doesn't support their partner financially. If you have any questions or requests, please contact us at 727-317-5800. Im worried theres something seriously wrong with me to be treated this way, Looking for advice on handling a disappointing visit, My girlfriend takes issue with my friend who happens to be an ex. She is Hispanic and my boyfriend says she was raised not to work but be stay at home mom. Can you please share your experience with me? In our teens, being in the band made a man sexy. How is he going to save for his own retirement if he is supporting his parents for the rest of their lives? Continue with Recommended Cookies, By Read on for four non-negotiables that are often overlooked, but that Ive learned to hold on tightly to. Hes been open about how he lost his savings/money. Marrying him would be a gigantic mistake. Dr. Wendy Walsh's Answer: You've asked two separate questions here. He is . We have talked about his parents dependance on him and that i am not comfortable and have issues with it. Its not a equal dynamic, and I don't want to be part of it, but if I shun his family, I will make things alot harder and sadder for him. First, talk to your boyfriend about it. I work two jobs, and he works one. Im afraid that if you move in together, youd end up indirectly providing financial support for his parents by shouldering most of the bills. This is money going to the people that made him exist and ensured he survived through his childhood years. We had sort of a chemistry going on. It will even become impossible to do a budget and stick to it because he becomes your unforeseen or emergency expense every month. Relationships can be incredibly fulfilling, but they can also be incredibly challenging. It can be an incredibly difficult situation to deal with, both emotionally and financially when your husband is financially irresponsible. Or any other mistakes they make. It will never be your job to fix someone else's financial mistakes. by Akanksha Agarwal. To avoid financial pitfalls stemming from a spouse's bullying behaviour, it is essential to have the money talk before marriage. If he cant, these are important factors to consider, says Estes. Letsgetstarted. Posted August 10, 2016. | Editorial, Florida man paralyzed by officer who mistook gun for Taser sues, Bucs plan to release running back Leonard Fournette, Base rate hikes approved for Tampa Electric. If your guy wants to spend money on himself, he could be using his own money, not yours - thats exactly what his individual earnings are for. The Double-Edged Sword of Social Media: The Impact on Body Image, The Benefits of Being Single: Why Single People are Happy and Healthy, The Benefits of Laughter in Relationships, The Power of Forgiveness: How It Heals and Helps Relationships Grow, Why Your Character Matters More Than You Think. Love knows no boundaries, and it is not unusual for individuals of different ages to fall in love. I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. His mom probably has limited skills and plus she is in her 50s now so why shouldn't she get a break. Spillevinken Started Monday at 02:12 AM. When Its Not:Is your man always having work problems or making excuses to stay unemployed until he finds the perfect job? I have come to the same conclusion, but want to make sure I am not making a mistake or missing something that I have problem with his current lifestyle. The other long-standing issue #2 is his 'bad financial decisions'. By extension, your life is on hold as well. Your husband doesnt have to give you money, just as you dont have to give your husband money. Better yet, these traits can help to make a relationship work even when youve had an initial set-back. Published Oct. 22, 2021. After realizing I was the person that everyone around me always came to for dating advice, I decided to merge this skill with my profession writing. Full disclosure I'm pretty cynical. We had a talk a month ago and I told him how I feel about him supporting his parents this way. You are right :( i felt the same way as you described but want to make sure i am not ending a relationship that I have invested in for a year by mistake/selfishly. I feel his parents are his children though. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. He gives them 350 every month. Or youd be forced to drastically lower your living standards to accommodate their support. 6. Men can be victims of abuse as well. A married couple should combine their income and expenses and pay all bills from the combined total of both incomes. This should be obvious. When Its Not:If your dude confuses co-dependency with love, doesnt really have any interests or passions (read: boring) or sacrifices his alone time in order to keep you from going out and enjoying yours, it might be time to move forward on your own. Pick a date you intend to move out and tell him how you feel, that you do not want to live with his mother and you cannot get serious or stay with him if he can't resolve this and be OK with that. Still, Im a firm believer that all adults should know to make a decent omelette and steak, and they should want to wash the dishes within a few hours of the meal. Dear Penny, My longtime boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20s. The relative financial contributions of men and women differ significantly by the educational attainment of each partner. If the OP does not want a life like this, there is compromise or leaving. Don't wait. However, there are some certain things that you can look out for, and as long as you know what youre looking for, youll be able to figure out if your husband really is using you financially. If you're together as a family and want to grow I dont see how you'll be able to when he's already supporting one family and living in a basement to do it. AH! dudelikewhoa This article aims to explore the unique challenges and opportunities that come with navigating age gaps in relationships. AND he's bad with money and is $50K in the hole from his own bad relationship with money. He Gets Annoyed When You Spend Money On Yourself, 11. Also he lied abut the amount he was giving. That said, if the only cooking your man does is heating up his General Tsos in a dirty microwave, it may be a sign of something more serious. Not only is she asking another woman's husband for money, this is not the first time she's done so. In 69% of married or cohabiting couples, the man earns more than the woman, though this is down from 87% of married couples in 1980. You will be able to tell if your husband is using you financially if you notice any of the signs that are listed above. Fortnite By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. Even if true, I told him I dont mind he doesnt have a house or in debt, one thing I have hard time accepting is giving a min of $2k/mo to them. This is a type of financial control, and its definitely a problem. I would clearly ask what he expects and I would state your concerns, and if things don't change to a livable situation that does not end with a married couple with their own lives and privacy like you want, then end it. But I dont want this to put a permanent stop to our hopes for our relationship or cause him even more financial stress. The key component is compromise. He also knows that youre concerned about how his parental support will affect your future together. He makes a VERY good living and I am unemployed, desperately looking for a job. His income is barely covers his outflow. So you basically don't know him at all. Ps. You don't believe things he tells you. However, most couples, especially those that are married, do tend to have joint accounts and share money with each other, most of the time simply because it's easier. Honestly, it sounds like you'll end up paying for him to pay for his parents. Here, women who have done, or are currently financially supporting their boyfriends and husbands explain . Boyfriend's financially supporting his mom!!! Kody was never seen working and as his wives began starting their own online businesses and the family talked about its financial struggles, audiences began to get the picture that Kody either wasn't working or wasn't working enough to provide for his family. Your boyfriend is right that how his parents choose to handle their money is between them, but what's between the two of you is how you talk about the money you do have and what you do with it . By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I Financially Supported My Ex Throughout Our Relationship & It Destroyed Us. As for him supporting his ex financially, I don't know if there are children involved, a divorce decree, or if this is just him staying attached emotionally. He has no savings or own property because of bad financial decisions that has left him $50k in the hole. Thanks for your advice. I earn slightly less but dont have many debts or expenses. My Husband Uses Me Financially (13 Alarming Signs). Recently, the ex-wife has fallen on times so hard that she and her children were likely facing eviction- and she asked her ex-husband if he could help her financially. Financial issues cause major divides in relationships, so it's important to look out for money-related red flags, and talk about them ASAP. (And read my 21 pieces of unsolicited advice for you, the brokenhearted.) This leaves my boyfriend and I having to pay for what she can't and has been causing tension and stress! She came in our room this morning and ask my bf if she could have $100 - he didn't even question her, he just said "oh yeah, no problem, I'll give you a check later." boyfriend financially supports his family. This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies. She keeps saying if they had anything it would have been for him. If he doesn't respond to his ex's calls for help with the kids, he might worry that they aren't okay and that he . Once a Parent, Always a Parent: How to Love and Support Your Adult Children. In the beginning, it did not bother me that much that she lived with us because she was hardly ever at home, so it was like we had the place to ourselves and I did not exactly understand how much she contributed (financially) and how much my boyfriend helped her. They continue to ask for financial help. Can't you all find something less expensive? We have alot of arguments regarding boundaries and money. He was a national. I dont have a real relationship with his parents, and Im not willing or able to offer my own financial support to them. If your guy is taking your money and spending it on himself, doing things that dont actually benefit you, for example, buying himself new clothes or going out with his friends, it could be a sign that hes using you. He is a very capable person with good education. And I do know people who are willing to contribute some money to help support a parent who doesn't live with them and agree to a certain amount and are fine with that if they can afford it, but you need to decide whether you are willing to live with her and/or support her financially, either of those because it sounds like he expects you to do both, and you will be making sacrifices for her for as long as she lives if he decides you as a couple must do this. SO - here comes the second part of my dilemma: he has been giving ME a hard time about how much $ I have in my savings account. I think the same way about his parents management of their money. No products in the cart.