We are both quite healthy but she has little interesting sex now. My wife did not give me your three choices, but they are still there. No, on a serious note, it wasnt something to have posted here. We have had a lot of therapy through the years, but even after all this time I feel sexually numbed, completely disinterested and unable to respond.i still feel the need to be held by him and I love him so much, I felt so guilty. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. Brother, your story sounds exactly like mine. There is one category which never seems to be covered in these kind of forums, that is where one partner is both medically unadvisable to have sex. If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. This is sad. The therapist totally forgot about me as my wife did. Nope. Is this the case with your guy or does he nave no urges at all? I love her but I need/miss sexual relations, which she's not into. You bet. I do not want to out her to the family as they all adore her. Oh my goodness you sound so defeated. My nephews, 1x/month on average, so I dont over do with outside the marriage things at all nor overspend, AT ALL. For me my wife has me feeling guilty and hesitant and re framing from touching her in any way. I always talk to her and ask what turns her on. I am a little older but want intimacy so bad. But to then take into account the Catholic Churchs stance on that interjects another sticking point, if I may use that term. Shes the mother of our kids! Give her some time to destress by setting up a candlelit bath with her favorite essential oils and bath soak. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Gopa explains how it can be detrimental to your physical intimacy. Read the first sentence again. It is indeed like forcing down a tasteless meal for someone elses sake. Weve been married for six years now and its been an abusive relationship in all types of way. Ive tried all the normal things too. Is like 5 times a year.! I own real estate property with my sister which provides some income. We could be spontaneous. . Im 65 and he is 74. My Boyfriend Doesn't Seem Interested in Me Sexually Anymore: 11 Reasons He's Lost Interest 1. In all likelihood, you went the extra mile to dress up for her, look good, smell good and stay groomed in anticipation of getting some action. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. Intimacy isnt about sex, its about being close in more ways than sexually. Thats a humiliating feeling. As if I was only there as a sperm donor. Thank you for indiviualizing yozr response. The good news is: there are plenty of ways to banish problems in the bedroom and rekindle the fire with your wife. Susan.I second Seans reply to you. Thats what hurts me is the constant rejection. It in no way makes it reasonable or responsible to simply do nothing about it If youre in a relationship, and you just throw your hands up and say, Oh, sorry about your luck honey, but were just going to carve the physical intimacy out of our relationship, and pretend it doesnt matter, then YOU, my friend, are a cruel and selfish asshole. It might be time for you to be more responsible and let your wife have some me-time. Pamper her with a spa day or take her out on a nice vacation for two, to break the monotony and give her the relaxation she truly needs and deserves. The two C words! 16 years being married. And feel that what ls what the real problem ls ,should l just exsept this he said lt to uncomfortable to have sex due to his prostate he never touches me l own the house but now he says he wants to put lt ln a trust ,as lf l die he gets lt and visa versa can u help me ,he hates talking about lt but made lt clear lt was not me but his prostate he ls also on. Ive been led to believe Im the selfish one for thinking of leaving just over sex. But the reason is sexual attraction. We men are so caught up in our egos . His needs count too. My grandma used to tell me, You cant fix broken people. There is nothing sexier than seeing your man crazy! Thanks for your candid note. I have difficulty ejaculating and often, cannot get erections with her. I have tried everything too, to no avail, things only get worse, not better. When hes not writing or advising people on how to thrive in their relationships, he loves exploring new places with his partner, working out, and pretending that hes good at cooking exotic stuff. But I still love her and will be heartbroken when that day comes. Asking yourself such questions can help you on your way to a more active and satisfying sex life with your wife. My ex was 16 years younger then me. There are many types of intimacy, and they tend to dovetail. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. 2. I understand women loss interest but still love there husbands and dont want a divorce and most of the time its the same for the guy, I just wish women would be open to their husbands having discreet affairs, not prostitutes just flings. It has been 5 very long years for me. I know that feeling of the Phone etc being more important. Sex is over. I said I am a human male and I have basic needs. I have both physical and emotional desires that seem to be building resentment towards him. I love her to death, but Im sick of the constant rejection. 5 Marriage Problems That Most Couples Face And Their Solutions, My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex And Sometimes It Feels Like I Am Having It With A Dead Body. All rights reserved. A lot of people are martyrs when it comes to sex. When a woman notices that you have an affinity for what she loves, she gets curious, thereby increasing her desire for you. Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. Weve been married nearly 39 years and needless to say the last couple of decades I could have done without his aloofness. I love it communicate, tell her how you feel. Divorced quickly. At 20 years I did start having a partner on the side because I was very sexually frustrated and that partner within the same situation. No one is talking about men who dont want to have sex. She has become a roommate and a friend, but not a wife that gives me the joy and love we used to have. You treat her well, and she shows no interest in you. 5 Things to Do if Your Wife Never Initiates Intimacy Not a bar person.. any any suggestions. If it wasnt for this site I would had forgotten that the word sex even existed! I can offer a small piece of advise. We are all just CroMagnon reborn. Oh, and me driving the car, she has panic attacks and asks I dont drive. Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. 1. If the husband happens to be insensitive, it ruins the relationship. Very sad!!! And Im okay with that. He is suffering from a mental health issue. I hear ya. I mention this so that you may not assume Im ugly or out of shape. You ever think about getting some on the side? Some get away with a happy one. Should they swallow it just to make you feel good? But connection and intimacy, and yes even sex, IS a need for many. My advice would be to sort these problems out before the years pass and certainly before there are children as I think most men have a stronger sense of loyalty and decency than they are often given credit for and are willing to forgo what is a very primal need for the sake of a stable relationship. I cant have sex do to pain and believe me I truly hat it. No human being should dominate another person. I honestly dont know what happens to men as they age. How I wish the girls would ask ME to dance at school dances. The night my son died was when my loss of interest began, in fact it vanished, period. Am I ugly? She is against the idea of therapy. Ill be living in a van down by the river if we separate. In my experience as a marriage counselor, Ive seen that men can have an argument with their wives the whole day and romance their partner in the end. Hi Theresa, I might even know you, you sound just like someone I know. well, about a year ago she took it upon herself to say no more sex. How about this? For me she is the best woman I have ever been with. But no sex. I have a simple fix for all this. Not once does he try to get her off, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. But if its truly my duty.. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. The aftermath of an affair is never easy for a marriage, but if life has thrown you this curveball, youve got to learn to deal with it. Feeling this discrepancyor feeling like your partner is always asking for sex when you don't want itcan make the lower-libido person feel pressured into having sex. The marriage is fine except for the sex. He spent 100.00 on his mother as he forgot to get her a card why cant he forgive me ? The distance could be herway of punishing you and teaching you a lesson. I am desperate. Be true to yourself, and your children. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. Furthermore the AFIB and some remaining heart failure issues make sex not safe to engage in, even if counseling could resolve our relationship issues from the past. This put stress on things as did a lack of acceptance from my mother, to my Wife, until she died at 97. If shes not in the mood neither am I . Not fun! Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. But I noticed the past 3 years she has seldom initiated intimate relations, and I attribute that to she likes to use her ipad and play puzzle / word/ and brain teaser games and does surf her FB some. As a socialite in many women sponsored events, I believe her marriage status is important in her social circle than her marriage itself. If you search my wife wont touch me sexually, it may be time to stop thinking about sex and start thinking about dating. And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. Theres no divorce possibility. This could be a reason why your wife avoids sex. Lets face it, as women age, many lose sex drive, along with experiencing a good number of other sexual problems. But after years without, I cant help but fantasize about past experiences, which makes me feel SO guilty. So she still has a spark of sexiness ..but wants the womanizer. I need to feel cherished, looked at and touched in a non-sexual way THEN when I feel loved and safe, I want to please my man. Sounds like you had a good long run and shouldnt be complaining. For others that are on the borderline of this happening: . I really miss a girlfriend I used to have who loved giving me oral sex. He has no interest. My wife never initiates any form of Intimacy let alone Sex. For the most part, her doctor (A woman) has told her that it was time to give it up. Mates but l want to .feel loved , should l hang lt up and move on ty. However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because shes having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. But we dont have sex or make love or anything you want to call it! Over the years this causes deep anger and then revulsion in the female. So in summary, WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION? A little over 43 without sex, or dealing with her, I do my own thing and dont really care what she does. My (50m) wife (48f) and I had a great sexual relationship for most of our marriage. A subtle way of saying I will date outside the marriage. I dont know why Im still here. Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact. This is so depressing!! Your wife may not know how to put up her mom hat for the day and refocus on herself, which includes enjoying every aspect of her marriage. More than once, our perfunctory mutual masturbation sessions were unsuccessful for me because I couldnt get hard. Married 10 years!!!! About 5 years ago (we've been married 29) she started not wanting me to touch her breasts as much and over time stopped letting me touch them altogether. Who sacrifices? We had a fantastic time learning each other and how to do it together! Feeling like my wife never initiates intimacy is incredibly frustrating. Too bad, b/c I think Id be better for him than she could ever be. . If the marriage has made you take your personal hygiene for granted, this lax attitude could be a total turn-off for her. This is really excellent advice. We cant really talk about it because the very subject causes her great depression because she feels like its all her fault and that she is failure as a lover. Some of it comes from knowing that your partner is unhappy," she writes at mbg. I had suggest different ways to have sex and she blew up, I was bored and suggested maybe trying different ways, right away I was a pervert and she called me names that shouldnt be repeated here and kicked out of bed. Two lovers need boundaries to choose their path. Joan Price is the authorof several books including The Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50 andthe award-winning self-help bookNaked at Our Age.Visit Joans blog, Naked at Our Age and herFacebook page. Or make a deal with him, sounds very strong at 76. My Wife Loves Me But Doesn't Want Sex: Why & What To Do - YourTango When your partner wont touch you, there could be infidelity involved, 6. Porn is the no. Youre guessing that your wife might have vaginal atrophy, but you dont know. So, I guess Ill just embrace the suck. The first and most important thing you should do if your wife is never in the mood is talk about it. What men want is for her to have some of that drive back. Wife doesn't want me to touch her breasts | Talk About Marriage Thank God I love to ski. People get lazy and just expect sex to happen because theyre married. I didnt either with my late husband Too much cheating etc. Says I dont turn him on Im to fat. Its one less thing to think about or do. I think it is up to me to possibly leave my marriage because my husband is not about to change, discuss any issues, or ultimately have sex. I moved on to another job, we did not keep in touch for very long. He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. Hi, Nice advice. Theres nothing wrong with giving yourself sexual pleasure. "As we age, the vaginal lining becomes thinner, less elastic, and produces less moisture. But, do not sell yourself. Emotional connection is the starter and it is counterproductive if her man is resentful or walking around with head down and needy. And pressure is a total libido killer that can set off a cycle of sexual avoidance, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A. We are 64 years old and havent had sex for 3 1/2 years. I said no. Once the children appeared on the scene I would never have done anything that would risk us splitting up. No love no sex. How should I phrase it? I love him and want to please him even if I feel nothing or just help him reach release. Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. Though she died quickly sex was never discussed and I can assure you my marriage was a bed of rock. I feel like Ive been through hell. Ive tried to convey this, but without success. Some could be related to body image issues, prior sexual sin, or abuse. Ive communicated my feelings to him many times. All the way. It is now marketers more to females also, which isnt improving relationships. Thats a depressing thought too. Hey Mike, I dont think you need a woman, I dont think drugs and orgasm are the best ways to deal with the pain dealt to you by the tragic loss of your loved one. I am partly replying and partly commenting on the many very earnest and difficult sexless relationships discussed here. Youre the only one here who gets the dynamic. Holding on and hoping we can work it out, for now Im giving him space. Does your wife struggle with self-love? His experiences have taught him that being an honest friend who communicates well and giving importance to self-love can go a long way in maintaining loving relationships. Zimmerman also recommends getting some time away from the kids regularly so that you can re-immerse yourselves in your identities as individuals and as a couple outside of your roles as parents. I so badly need a woman That may be one reasons why so many husbands. Come to find out my wife was getting hers on the side. Im guessing because you are complaining that your 59 year old husband is fat, lazy, snores and is demanding is the reason you dont have sex anymore? So not. Weve been married almost 40 years and neither of us had any sex partners before we met. We tried and tried to get them to call us but their mother has convinced them that I am to blame for our sons death. Man, thats no way to respond to your wife, person you care deeply about whos saying to you that theyre experiencing mental health crisis in your relationship. She is somewhat stressed by the reduction in lifestyle we have been reduced to, after years of six figure income for both of us. My Wife Loves Me But Doesn't Desire Me - What Should I Do? - Marriage Life is complicated at every age but I think as people age, hormone levels drop of course and the baggage of decades gone by begins to weigh heavy on both parties. Its bad. Thats crazy my husband is the one who is lacking in wanting orgasms, I still need them daily so I continue with out him, I am tired of all the good years I wasted on him waiting lol our kids are grown and gone I still love sex! My opinion only, so, most likely only worthy in my estimation. We dated for 30 years and finally got married. , checking in with yourself is also good. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? * PLATFORM OR CMS. In other cases, when the in-laws are constantly meddling the resentment may make it seem like you have an unloving wife but shes actually just frustrated at the lack of privacy, says Gopa. Been married 20 years . That old saying use or loose it.. I just go to AA now instead (I drank too much for 10 years because of no sex) & have great old fashioned men friends and conversations of good life practices. Every new relationship begins with a promise of love, intimacy and affection. she feels palpitation and jitters and she perspires just as the thought of it.. bottomline, my mom just wants companionship but my dad wants more. We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. For men the cost is being far more productive than hed need to be if caring only for himself and to forsake all other partners in pairing with his wife exclusively. Food, sleep, sex. My point is, most of the sexless marriage problems are from the man not ruling. An endocrinologist told me he had never seen that before. My wife and my sex life was pretty damn good before she developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, even though she went through early menopause (in her 40s). Wills comment is more true than not (and certainly not far from true). This is not rocket science, bro. Every study I have ever seen says its over twice as likely for the woman to be the one withholding. Without this love, there isn't much for the relationship to stand on. Im 15 years younger than my husband. We stopped having sex ten years ago, she wont talk about it. Make your own porn and watch that. Sounds like you should try therapy. Is there any way I can help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling? 30 years I kept saying to myself.itll get better Now I have ED. She may well become that cat lady a previous poster described. She snores loudly and we have different bedrooms. Perhaps your husband, as well as a few troglodytes posting here, are in need of some attitude adjustments, but you shouldnt paint all men with the same brush. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? Never unfaithful. He is absolutely wonderful father and husband. Willsounds like you live in the stone agesworks for you.but most woman like a say in whether they would like to be touched or not. You cant have me, but you cant have anybody else, is the most selfish and controlling position possible. He has performance anxiety. Only you can decide if this is right for you. Its a bummer most times. One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. The question is, will we accept that fact, those facts, and act upon them in honorable fashion.? I love him more than the day we were married many many years ago. People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. We have been married 41 years. Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. I need love that bad to hang on to a partner that never wants sex? He doesbt accept the limitations of my back injury. I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! She chose to be sexless, so now she has another choice to make. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. Having said that, I understand your frustration too. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and your wife doesnt want sex anymore, it may be time to consider marriage counseling. Empathy builds into emotional intimacy, and often this is what she needs first before opening up to something physical. Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as increased sexual satisfaction, improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and passion back into their relationship. I told him if he didnt want a divorce, he should feel free to find date outside the marriage, and if anything serious developed, we would revisit the divorce option. Our marriage became almost sexless in 2006 when our 17 year old son was killed in an accident. I am starting to go to prostitutes is this wrong? I brought this up in premarital counseling. why is he grumpy? Dont you love anything? My son is in an open marriage (I know this because he and his wife talk about it openly) and it opened my eyes to the reality that it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to satisfy all of your sexual needs. A study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. I happen to like the situation I created and I will never change it. I dont understand. Maddening! Sigh . Sexuality is just part of the human condition but a life partner who is no longer interested or capable of providing that experience must be respected and understood. Is it something we should split over? Quite frankly, I feel like he has been and is being cheated. I have tried to have a heartfelt conversation but he is not willing to talk about it. If both parties dont want to change things (and only one does) then unfortunately the situation is probably doomed. 60s, 70s. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. The thing thats in the way the most for me ISNT all the atrophy, the breast surgery, the continuing oral chemo therapy, the fatigue that I have. This so frustrating at times. If I was younger, much younger I would have more options. Once you cross into the no sex zone there is NO going back. If you feel that my wife never initiates physical contact, you may be wondering if your marriage is doomed. I am going to be 42 years old!! The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. We used lubricant but it still wasnt very effective the last time. Wife Doesn't Want You To Touch Her? (Understand its Meaning) The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out, says Gopa. 39 TRUST ME RUN Dont walk Dont ruin your life!!!! I am at my wits end. /** Of course mine wont go to a therapist no matter what so apparently the problem will persist. I cant believe I will be in this misery for the remainder of my life and I am only 55. Then theres the masturbation/porn thing. Now its more about independence- Im tired of living in my spouses value system . Hello Will, She continued to have sex for a while but that eventually ended and we havent had sex now in over 5 years. By Joan Price But its not worth destroying something that you took years to build. Wtf are we supposed to do when our spouse doesnt want to make love? Some are related to the pressures and demands of family life. Good points you made for sure. I fear I will never know physically intimacy again in this marriage, I keep holding out hope, which is why I stay. More men need to leave their wives when they wont have sex with them. Any discussion goes nowhere. Lame! i rejected it, because I have become detached, unhappy and frustrated. Sometimes when a woman becomes a mother, it can affect the way she sees herselfand the way her partner sees her. She doesnt like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. And LATINA. If they did, they would be taking care of business! Yes, life is complicated indeed, but I dont believe there is a season for sex and then not a season for it. You should be glad that your wife is still with you your ass would have been out the door the first time you ever tried to tell me what to do oh and by the way Ive been married 20 years and my husband has NEVER told me what to do we both have great paying jobs and are very independent I have a Daddy and he stopped telling me what to do when I was 17. I in the same boat as your husband. Spend the same time you are researching and pursuing prostitutesworking out and looking healthier and bettering your relationship. It sounds like there are many many committed marriages but seemingly to unwise and probably unloving spouses. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. That leaves us with so many perverts running around today inept at forming a real relationship, fantasy is in sadly.